Something has been bothering me, which is nothing new really lots of things bother me that I like to complain about. Lately though as I dive further into the WoW (World of Wombs) I keep finding myself feeling out of place and once again, nothing new, I often feel out of step with those around me but this has left me restless until tonight. After a day of doing a whole lotta nothing I got a download from the larger part of me that knows better and whom I can hear clearly when I don’t drown her out with food. More on that in a few paragraphs.

I tend to come to things later than some women. When I was in college I was a single mom, taking a full course load, working nights but still poor enough for welfare and dealing with court battles due to my ex, during the day. I was older in my freshman year, I had dropped out of high school and become an EMT with a nice shiny GED but stopped that work when I became pregnant. When I started at Colorado State University (Go Rams!) I was 25 years old, first generation student, incredibly naive about college life and surrounded by younger women on fire for women’s issues and women’s studies and all manner of woman stuff.

I’m sure I heard lots things about women and their wombs but frankly I didn’t have the energy for all that nonsense. I was barely surviving. I was trying to stay awake in my Student Services therapist’s office. I was skipping my philosophy class except on test days because I literally didn’t understand a single concept the professor was talking about. Plato? Shadow People? You mean the Shadow People that tweakers talk about seeing when they used to babble in the back of my ambulance? No? Well I have no fucking idea then so I think I’ll just go eat some hot wings and shoot some pool to get a moment to myself during this hour thank you very much.

I just knew that these young women seemed so far away from me and my little girl’s life. I didn’t go out to bars, I went home to eat a fast dinner and go back to campus to work at the police department until 1 or 2 am. I didn’t want to see anyone’s hairy armpits and I sure as hell wouldn’t even say the P-word out loud. The C-U-Next-Tuesday word would earn you a scathing look and a very wide berth if you used it around me. I did sneak read the book by that name but I hid the fact! I also wasn’t sure what all the fuss was about.

So at 49 I’m a little late to the WoW table and it occurs to me I missed the boat to Avalon a long time ago. I’m still out of step. I’m learning more about premenstrual issues and Patriarchy, witch trials and womb power,  menstruation and masturbation (no problems there!) all at a time when I’m interested and fascinated and yearning for more but also a new grandmother. I’m entering menopause at nearly 50 years old. My menstrual cycle is sputtering out and occasionally grinding a gear like an old Volkswagen Beetle – an adorable classic but a lot of work and a tetch cranky on most days.

So tonight when the smarter part of me tapped me on the forehead with this information I cried. I don’t have babies and will not be having any. My menstrual cycle is not one of regular anything and I’m staring down the barrel of the last half of my life, well, I might get past 100 years I’ve got excellent genetics but still.

I love my mother, daughter, daughter-in-law and twin granddaughters. But where’s my Grandmother? I never had one on either side of my parents and never really cared much until today when I realized why so many of these groups have me feeling a little cold. I’ve thought and done a lot of work around Mother Wounding (no blame Mom!) and finding connection to the Cosmic Mother which healed me and nourishes still but tonight I want a Granny. Any Granny. Is there a Rent-A-Granny place somewhere? Would you let me borrow your Granny?

This World of Wombs pays heed to elders and soon to be elders but it doesn’t seem to be the same kind of focus. No criticism here I wish I’d synced up with this way back there and started claiming my power in the world sooner but I didn’t/couldn’t and that’s seriously ok. I want more than womb blessing I want my Grandmother Womb blessed by another Grandmother or a Great-Great-Grandmother, a Sacred Elder so again I go searching into the Cosmos for Her old lady images which are not surprisingly hard to find.

I’m aware of the Crones, the Hags, the myths and some others and yet these are not quite it either. I’m afraid what I’ve run up against is a void in America that demands it’s old ladies stand in the shadows, Botox their faces into smooth landscapes when we’re dying for the creases and valleys of Sacred Grandmother Womb love, wisdom, knowledge and maybe some nice sugar cookies.

I know more information is coming about how to create WoW experiences that are focused on the over 40 crew and I’ll share more when I have it. In the meantime if you have a wonderful Grandmother go hug her and ask her to tell you everything she knows and quick!